lifes not like a keyboard

So a few days ago i was typing on the keyboard i then started thinking about typing and what letter needed to come after the other, and i kept messing up and it went about ten times slower than just naturally typing. I know how to type its second nature to me.Then it came to me! I need to live my life like i was typing on a keyboard, i need to know what im doing but i dont need to worry about what comes next. I thought about my life and how i try to plan out my second move before it comes and i always slip up and life seems to drag on. i need to live for today and sometimes i have to think about where the backspace is or look down and reevaluate the position i am in, but other than that i need to enjoy life more, and not think so much.

the disney channel ruined my love life.

so the past week i came to a realization, it was brought on by a conversation with my roommates and my wonderful sister;) is it bad to wink at my sister? probably is huh? anyways, I'd like to start off with what I thought love was. I had this thought that love was a overwhelming feeling to describe it I'll give some examples, love feels like your heart has turned into a billion cotton balls and its so soft nothing on earth can break it. Another example is like when u shake a soda pop can just a tiny bit before you open it so when u pop open the lid there's a Little hiss and the air escapes like a pleasant sigh, that's how I wanted to feel when I fell in love, like when my heart falls in love I would give a little sigh and be on my way to refreshment. BUT no I have come to find out that, that is NOT what love is those feelings are feelings of anxiety and are the signs opposite of love. love is a feeling of relaxing comfort that when you are with that person you feel at peace and want to be with them for the rest of your life. Well I knew love meant you wanted to be with them for the rest of your life but is it really plausible for me to have a billion cotton balls in my heart for the rest of my life? I have come to the conclusion, no. Another disappointing thing about this conclusion is that I have honestly never been truly in love with someone. So where did my distorted view of love come from? It wasn't my parents they don't act like their cotton balls and it wasn't my sister. It has to of been the television so I did some detective work in the little brain of mine. The first time i felt the cotton balls was in the fifth grade I remember her jump roping and i was going to walk up to her then i ran off because of the cotton ball feeling. (Which was obviously some sort of social anxiety I had toward attractive women.) So anyways what was I watching on TV in fifth grade? it was the Disney channel and the lesser Nickelodeon
And what tv shows did i look forward to the most? it was the disney channel original movies they were always so hyped up and there was one almost every month in my day and the story lines always involved this girl the main male actor felt super awkward around like he had cotton balls in his heart but at the end of each of these movies the main girl and boy actors fell in love and lived happily ever after in a lovely cotton ball state. That is way my love life to this moment has been so horribly depressing its those dang disney channel movies. ugh..

remember?

Do you remember back when you were just a kid in grade school and you starting to like the ladies and that feeling you had when you got your first crush? It was new, pleasant and simple it didn't have loads of luggage on top of it, no thoughts of rejection or sadness. You liked her for her she made you feel happy and that was all that mattered. I want that.

living alone

so im living in a apartment by myself. i dont like it much i liked having a reason to shut the bathroom door. i still shut it but its just nice having a reason too.

kites

I now see the world for what it is a mix of liars and hypocrites their disguised as fiends or saints where no one changes they only switch through lanes chasing the fastest way,wanting to get there today but ive come to realize thats not my way. happyness comes slowly its a long hard road and im not there yet some might say i'd get the feeling of reget but im over with it so take off your bets, i now see life for what it is a tide of highs and lows and were we end up nobody knows i see my life as a kite in one gust im above all of us then i fall without notice.

10/03/10

I forgot the string that was there all along, I forgot the man holding on guiding me threw so when a headwind's there forget despair, I have him to fall into. Happiness isn't hard to obtain, it doesn't require a journey, it doesn't take a long hard path, it comes in the way you react. If I only understood that there was someone here, looking after me even when i was unaware. The time has come to know that man, trust in him and do what I can not to dwell on the liars or the hypocrites, but look at the daring who took a chance and learned from it. I'm keeping in my mind thoughts of men and women who tried, i cant stand by and pretend to be on my own with no final direction in mind. Ive tired that and it doesn't end with a claim sublime life, it leads to a lost man with no one by his side.

Coming Home

i'm coming home today almost on my way, forgetting about all the regrets. like why i had to go astray. ive been tied to the tracks and a train is coming down. theres no rational escape. and the worlds falling in all around.all that there is left, is a mixture of love hate and regrets. all bets are off kids. its going to be a crash and burn or fly and soar. its not even up to me ether way. theres one question i have it say, why did it take so long? why have i done some many things so wrong? i feel like its probably all gone. i guess it will be best if that question remained masked. but ive been asking it for the last two years. im flat out sick of living in my fears.

eh.

im sick of these ten hour days ya life sure sucks these days im just livin day by day navigating myself threw the haze while the trail of upset x'es and fallen friends keep me from finding myself in the end but no no life wont end its either give up give in live in sin or go on stay strong and push threw, i should get the courage to say enough with you but we all know thats something i would never do. yes i hear what you say your just another coward thats getting in my way. but that ends today, good day;)