Heres things I been doing.

So I thought I'd switch things up here in Greg.is.a.mess and not just talk about doom and gloom subjects of the past. I'm loving life and this summer semester has been full of learning, growing and fun.

First trip after the school semester I went to Moab to do some techy mountain biking you know it was good when you throw out your back! It was way fun with my bud Andrew but by the second day we worn out and headed home.

I got my wfr for those not in the know that's wilderness first responder its more than first aid but less than a EMT. I learned how to save lives and also save myself from lawsuits! The class was full 10 hour and 14 hour classes for two weeks, so yeah I kinda know my stuff. On our off campus mock rescue I had to play a surprise victim I had to act like I went to pee and poured water to make it looked like I peed my pants the sad thing is my group started laughing at my expense thinking I actually peed my pants, it took awhile for them to realize it wasn't real, am i really that weird? Don't answer that...Anyways Here be a pic of me with a make shift immobilization of the arm sweet huh?

I don't work till about two on the weekdays and have been mountain biking about 20 miles a day all over the Wasatch front, its been pretty legit! Park city is all dry and I'm going up Tuesday I couldn't be more excited about it. Today I went for three hours and ran over a rattle snake came across two coyotes mating and got swarmed by nasty weird cicadas (their basically locus but smaller) I hate, hate them. Hate. Here's a picture of a ride I loved...no cicadas. 

I made a personal goal to getting into river sports and went down the Colorado by Moab with some friends Monday we left at 5 am and came back at 11 pm. Worth the drive! It was by far the funniest thing I've done for years.Milts (the best hamburger place in the world) was closed made me furious but i got over that.  Jimmy is going back tomorrow to do it again but I have to work! Now I'm in love with new sport and gotta save my pennies for my own gear instead of rentals! Here's a pic of that party.

A few weeks ago I drove out to the Manti temple, I've been to Manti before but never did a session there. It is by far the most astonishing building I have ever been to. It outshines the whole valley and I can't imagine what it would be like to build that monument over 100 years ago. The inside is as glorious as the salt lake but it feels like I walked back in time to the time the pioneers built it. It made me question if these farmers and craftsman from Europe could devote themselves to build this am I really doing all I have the potential to do in my life? It was good and I've been going to the temple once a week since. Here's a pic I took of the Manti temple it doesn't do it justice but its the best I could do. (That old couple ahead of me were there for their 60th anniversary of them and their children getting sealed in the temple they were cute)

I've also on top of biking I've hiked y mountain every week, I love the outdoors and getting sun but I think I'm turning into a leather couch, see the resemblance?

At last I'm staying busy working, having fun and worshiping the Lord. I've also lost 15 pounds in the process which is nice but with my leather skin I think I might start getting mistaken for a rat, oh well. That's my life now for the second half of summer, (or the start of the official "season" ) turning 25, finishing math and finding more rivers and bike trails! 

Why.

Why, the question why?

           I think when I come into a huge life change that's all that's on my mind is just a whole lot of whys that I cant ever find answers too. In the process of asking all those unnecessary why's I am able to get in a few good why's in with my Father in heaven and he answers. When he does I find more clarity and focus in what has happened to me in my life. I am learning how I can take the storms that have come my way and use them to build myself and more importantly others up. Instead of just staring at the wreckage of all that was lost in disbelief and pity. We are all Gods wreckage unworthy of his presence. I am learning how to become better so now when I find myself in so much wreckage that I am at a loss of words I think to myself "this storm of mine pales in comparison to others and if I can learn how to clean and rebuild this maybe I will learn something new about myself".

         The most exciting and rewarding parts of rebuilding instead of wallowing is learning those surprising things about yourself. It is very rewarding to discover my real potential! Finding that I can handle much more than I ever thought possible, I know from the hardest times the past few months that through regular prayers, study and temple visits that I might be broken but every week I have had the ability to be healed through the sacrament. That gives me another week where I can open another can of wreckage and come to terms and become healed once again. I never expect a perfect week and my testimony in the sacraments ability to make us as clean as the day we came out of the waters has increased 100 fold. I'm on the tail end of this transition and for family and friends who are worried i'm doing good and am very excited about starting anew. I find joy in finding myself again getting my sense of awkward humor back, becoming  more okay with myself and finding more drive to become the type of man that is worthy of the privilege to bring children up in this world. People close to me say I am doing better than I have been for years which is nice but I would like to just say I am doing better than I have been my whole life. My pride is striped down, my love is raised up, my savior is real and ever growing in my heart and I don't care so much about the "why this happened" because the blessings God has given me have eclipsed that lastly I am grateful.

forgive.

The tan line is gone from my hand. The feelings have at last fallen flat. Alone is a comfort now not a fear. It strangely is the emotion I have come to find strength in.

So where to turn next? I had plans for a future but those blueprints ended up landing at to the bottom of the sea.  What does one build when its all gone, what does one do for help going in a new direction?

Luckily I have a compass beyond explanation. My heart shines brightly toward the direction it shows and the northern stars have always called my name. If I follow the way in the end I won't end up short and my sins will be forgiven. This is what I find peace in.

I once said  "i now see life for what it is a tide of highs and lows and were we end up nobody knows" I now know that is a lie. 

Grateful.

What on earth would I be grateful for?

In 2009 I had to come home from my mission, I was devastated and would of rather lived in a hole for the remainder of my mission then come home and face the world with what I saw as a failure, to me back then it seemed so confusing. It wasn't my choice to come home my mission president just thought it would be "best". There was no "worthiness" issue that led to me coming home either. So I was a 20 year old living in Provo and felt like the world was staring me down with harsh judgement for being home. I couldn't run away from it I had to learn how to face it head on and I learned that If I was just myself anyone who mattered would see past the "home early" label they would know I had a good heart. If you go threw my blog at that time all the posts are from a sad depressed mess, It was an extremely hard thing to learn to deal with. It was not until this time in my life that I have ever felt grateful for it, now I owe all my heart to coming home early. I have a foundation already built in me of how to move forward. I'm again a now 24 year old living in Provo with the "divorced" label but this time I don't have the debilitating feeling of guilt, shame and confusion I had all those years ago. I am grateful to my heavenly father for having me come home and teaching me that lesson, I am grateful that no matter how weird life gets there's always something more important than myself to get me through it. I love the lord, I love others and I love life. 

Without this bad knee I wouldn't have a good one

"Thinking back on thinking forward,
I always thought I'd be further than i ever am. 
Without this bad knee i wouldn't have a good one, 
These vices don't hold me down
They... carry me."
-Fireworks.

I am not a victim of circumstance, divorce is not how I define a life well lived or well ruined. I have the power to take my vices (insecurity, negative thoughts and actions) and turn them into what will carry the weight of my struggles I am going through. My insecurities are not holding me down anymore they are carrying me through this. I am coming out of it stronger, better and more closer to my savior. I will admit the hardest part of failure is the expectations others had for your life, the easiest part of failure is know there is  unwavering friends and a savior they will continue to help me. I know that there's still a plan for me to make a positive change in my life and the lives around me. I'm not as sad as one would expect because I have a firm belief that you get what you give into things. I gave my all and I came out knowing myself better than I ever have, now I finally like who I've become.

Half staff

I get a knot in my gut every time i hear of a shooting, i've gotten a bigger gut the past two weeks from all the knots i've got on my drive back and forth from uvu to south Jordan. I am seeing flags at half staff too often these days...

Now for my rant if anyone shoots or hurts anyone without provocation they are mentally ill, this shouldnt be any news worth reporting.. The attacks will always be preformed by the mentally ill, i guess two things could have happened to them to put them in these bad situations..they either didnt have access to help or refused help.

I propose a new idea of reporting and talking about these horrible situations, instead of diagnosing the illness of the villains making it public and placing blame on it. How about we look instead at what we are doing wrong as a country with our views and attitudes about mental illness that would block the sick from wanting to get help. Sure we could blame it on guns but there's always ways for those in pain to inflect their pain onto others, sure its bad health insurance that doesn't cover these people but there will always be people too stubborn to ever get help. Even with these walls up against us in this battle I think we could try harder to help these people before it escalates to national and/or local tragedy's, lets stop trying to make sense of it! We can never make sense of it. Lets just help make our communities a little more helpful, a little more loving, a little less judgmental and when tragedy strikes reevaluate what were doing as a culture and be humble enough to make the needed changes.

Special places.

I love biking I also despise it too. I must bike or do some other exercise to keep my brain working properly, so I bike six days a week, a few times a week I get in a bad mood and grudgingly force myself to go biking. I do however start enjoying it 30 min into my ride. Biking isn’t just my hobby it’s my medicine. Biking gives me more than any anti depressant could ever give. With all the love I have for it, it only rarely transforms into something more than just a “ride”. I’m lucky enough that a few times I’ve had experiences that have penetrated their way into my consciousness. These places are all over the country but the experience I’ve had most recently is also the closest, Draper, Utah.

The last week of June it was hot as it ever gets at 11am but I headed out biking anyways, It was one of those grudgingly mood rides starting out. Then i felt like I needed to listen to uplifting music, about five minutes into my ride I found an insane amount of energy and went the fastest I had ever pedaled up that canyon, as I was flying I was in a pretty good mood but I was really confused on how I was going so fast, about ¼ mile left of the trail I ran into a group of five people and a man on the ground getting cpr. I’d never been in a life-threatening atmosphere before but I remember every little sentence of detail about what happened, I’ll try to keep the things I recall in this experience to be relevant. 

            I heard them talking the group of three that was switching on CPR and when I pulled up it had been a minute since he had a pulse and the one in charge of the CPR, which was luckily a nurse seemed desperate and frustrated, it had been ten min since he collapsed and the police and ambulance weren’t even close. Everyone around started really getting scared and no one knew his last name but luckily he befriended someone at the parking lot and rode up the mountain with him. After a minute or two another man pulled up and asked if the man had received a blessing, they replied “no” somewhat annoyingly but the man wasn’t detoured he could tell that the man shared the same faith as him and knew he would want one in the situation, I helped with that frantic blessing to the higher power. The nurse continued CPR threw the blessing but afterwards something changed. I got up from the ground, the weeds, looked into his eyes and I saw his spirit leave. I cant really explain it more than that, but the group of six of us knew it was over. The reaction of the six was divided evenly with anger and frustration of some starting to yell “WEAR IS LIFEFLIGHT!!” and others held their head solemnly continuing to give CPR but knowing it was over, I turned my attention to the two children of the nurses and tried to talk to them about their day so they wouldn’t know what had just happened. Then the ambulance showed up and the majority of the group of us left to let the professionals take over. I went to a bench at the end of the trail and cried my eyes out in confusion and desperation. I few minutes passed and I asked a father and son if I could go down the mountain with them because I didn’t want to be alone. 

            I came home and cried some more and the next day was a whole lot of processing what happened feeling awful his family wasn’t with him and confused on why I got to that scene so fast on my bike. I felt like the ordeal wasn’t over and there was something more coming. I saw the son and daughter on fox 13 the next day. I could tell the police report they got wasn’t very accurate they thought someone just found him on the mountain and started CPR after that, they also thought only two people were there. I felt in my gut that I had to let them know what really happened to him and that there was someone with him his whole ride and that he had a nurse by his side the whole time and a blessing was done for him. My mother I guess knew that too so she called fox news and told them to give the family my cell phone number. I got the scariest, most intimidating call that afternoon; they wanted me to come tell them how their husband, father, and grandfather died. I knew this was why my heart was hanging the past few days it was that this family needed closer.

            I walked threw their door with my wife and encountered more than 30 people desperately wanting me to tell them what I knew. So I give about the same story I give above probably with more emotion and tears and I could feel the relief in that room as I told it. I imagined my father dying, thinking he died alone and that pain of “what if” going threw my head. I realized that me being there talking to them was answering all the what if’s they had. The family was really nice and it seemed like I already fit in with them. After a while visiting I drove home confused and overwhelmed but I realized the relief and comfort of me telling them that he got a blessing and that he wasn’t alone when he collapsed also that he had a nice conversation with another man that ride was the most relief I will probably ever give others, I thought about how unusual the circumstances were that led me to the experience and how even though I didn’t play a big role in trying to save the man’s life I played a big role in providing closer for his family and for me. 

            My perspective has changed quite a bit since late June I appreciate every ride just a little bit more and I appreciate myself and the potential I have of overcoming any of my ocd or little quirks I have because I know when needed I can do important things.

            About a week after the funeral we went up to the spot where he passed, his family me, and my wife in the red shirt and the man’s family who pulled up to give him a blessing are in the picture, hes the one taking the picture. We built this cairn, and all summer not a single stone has been moved. I pass by it almost every ride I go in this canyon and think of the experience and how life can be very unusual and very awarding.