whats love got to do with it?

To me beauty is love, when I think of all the things that I believe to be beautiful love is the feeling that fills my soul so I thought what do I think is beautiful? Women and nature came first to my mind. Why do i think these are beautiful? Why do I love them so much? I realized that their my other half's there parts of me that i myself cant be. I cant have the compassion of a woman or the understanding and faith. I have to love a woman for her to share those aspects of who she is. Love is a bond that connect two and when looking at it "it's" beautiful.

Nature is everything that isn't me, its woods mountains, desserts and city's. Certain types of landscapes connect me to how I feel inside. In high school i was confused alone and rushed so I felt at home when i was in the city, it connected me to how I felt inside.

Last summer I was anxious for a new start I wanted to prove myself and I wanted a challenge so my soul felt at home on the peaks of mountain tops. Anytime I closed my eyes thats where I was that landscape fit my soul and I thought there was nothing more beautiful.

Now after my challenges and heartbreaks with lost loves my soul lies in a dessert. the desserts of southern Utah, Arizona, New Mexico and Colorado . Theres a peace that comes to me when im out there everything's calm, everything's smooth. The land is flat when cliffs do appear theres sand rock and there smooth. everything is subject to the wind. Its like how I feel now im at peace and I feel that everything I do is subject to god and that im okay with it.

Its just like the redrock in southern Utah it has waited to get to be turned into something amazing. they become arches. I feel at peace there because my goal in life is to become an arch. I am willing to subject myself to what god wants not what I want, and im willing to let God, (or the wind) take its time on me and turn me into what I should be. in till then im satisfied just being in a dessert. The sun is visible from sunrise to sunset, theres no clouds to get in my way and no mountains to delay the sun. I think I have found the landscape my soul will forever reside in.

cute.

so today sucked pretty bad. i was in a horrible mood i needed something to brighten my day. so i thought to myself maybe the internet could help? so i went to google and typed in "cute" for a image search and this little guy pop'ed up. it pretty much made the world amazing again. you cant look at that picture and not feel fuzzy inside.

embarrassed?awkward...

i have had a few awkward experiences the past few weeks i'd thought i'd list a few.

1 wheres the most awkward place to run into a history teacher from high school ? i'd say in the locker room at the local golds gym right after I've taken a shower.

2 having an ex-girlfriend try to set you up.

3 having an ex-girlfriend give you dating advice.

4 ignoring your ex-girlfriends dating advice only to find out two weeks later that she knew what she was talking about.

the golds gym affliction

So i work out at golds gym a few days a week, and yesterday i was looking at this buff little man who has to be at the most 5'1 he was working his little elf heart out and I just got the urge to go up to him and give him a hug and say sir, you do realize that no matter how buff you get your still going to be short? he then got super upset and put me on the naughty list.

huh

I never want to be a weather man, I never want to pretend like I know what tomorrows going to be. backing up my words with probabilities and statistics but void of any promises.

lifes not like a keyboard

So a few days ago i was typing on the keyboard i then started thinking about typing and what letter needed to come after the other, and i kept messing up and it went about ten times slower than just naturally typing. I know how to type its second nature to me.Then it came to me! I need to live my life like i was typing on a keyboard, i need to know what im doing but i dont need to worry about what comes next. I thought about my life and how i try to plan out my second move before it comes and i always slip up and life seems to drag on. i need to live for today and sometimes i have to think about where the backspace is or look down and reevaluate the position i am in, but other than that i need to enjoy life more, and not think so much.

the disney channel ruined my love life.

so the past week i came to a realization, it was brought on by a conversation with my roommates and my wonderful sister;) is it bad to wink at my sister? probably is huh? anyways, I'd like to start off with what I thought love was. I had this thought that love was a overwhelming feeling to describe it I'll give some examples, love feels like your heart has turned into a billion cotton balls and its so soft nothing on earth can break it. Another example is like when u shake a soda pop can just a tiny bit before you open it so when u pop open the lid there's a Little hiss and the air escapes like a pleasant sigh, that's how I wanted to feel when I fell in love, like when my heart falls in love I would give a little sigh and be on my way to refreshment. BUT no I have come to find out that, that is NOT what love is those feelings are feelings of anxiety and are the signs opposite of love. love is a feeling of relaxing comfort that when you are with that person you feel at peace and want to be with them for the rest of your life. Well I knew love meant you wanted to be with them for the rest of your life but is it really plausible for me to have a billion cotton balls in my heart for the rest of my life? I have come to the conclusion, no. Another disappointing thing about this conclusion is that I have honestly never been truly in love with someone. So where did my distorted view of love come from? It wasn't my parents they don't act like their cotton balls and it wasn't my sister. It has to of been the television so I did some detective work in the little brain of mine. The first time i felt the cotton balls was in the fifth grade I remember her jump roping and i was going to walk up to her then i ran off because of the cotton ball feeling. (Which was obviously some sort of social anxiety I had toward attractive women.) So anyways what was I watching on TV in fifth grade? it was the Disney channel and the lesser Nickelodeon
And what tv shows did i look forward to the most? it was the disney channel original movies they were always so hyped up and there was one almost every month in my day and the story lines always involved this girl the main male actor felt super awkward around like he had cotton balls in his heart but at the end of each of these movies the main girl and boy actors fell in love and lived happily ever after in a lovely cotton ball state. That is way my love life to this moment has been so horribly depressing its those dang disney channel movies. ugh..