so the past week i came to a realization, it was brought on by a conversation with my roommates and my wonderful sister;) is it bad to wink at my sister? probably is huh? anyways, I'd like to start off with what I thought love was. I had this thought that love was a overwhelming feeling to describe it I'll give some examples, love feels like your heart has turned into a billion cotton balls and its so soft nothing on earth can break it. Another example is like when u shake a soda pop can just a tiny bit before you open it so when u pop open the lid there's a Little hiss and the air escapes like a pleasant sigh, that's how I wanted to feel when I fell in love, like when my heart falls in love I would give a little sigh and be on my way to refreshment. BUT no I have come to find out that, that is NOT what love is those feelings are feelings of anxiety and are the signs opposite of love. love is a feeling of relaxing comfort that when you are with that person you feel at peace and want to be with them for the rest of your life. Well I knew love meant you wanted to be with them for the rest of your life but is it really plausible for me to have a billion cotton balls in my heart for the rest of my life? I have come to the conclusion, no. Another disappointing thing about this conclusion is that I have honestly never been truly in love with someone. So where did my distorted view of love come from? It wasn't my parents they don't act like their cotton balls and it wasn't my sister. It has to of been the television so I did some detective work in the little brain of mine. The first time i felt the cotton balls was in the fifth grade I remember her jump roping and i was going to walk up to her then i ran off because of the cotton ball feeling. (Which was obviously some sort of social anxiety I had toward attractive women.) So anyways what was I watching on TV in fifth grade? it was the Disney channel and the lesser Nickelodeon
And what tv shows did i look forward to the most? it was the disney channel original movies they were always so hyped up and there was one almost every month in my day and the story lines always involved this girl the main male actor felt super awkward around like he had cotton balls in his heart but at the end of each of these movies the main girl and boy actors fell in love and lived happily ever after in a lovely cotton ball state. That is way my love life to this moment has been so horribly depressing its those dang disney channel movies. ugh..