Tuesday, April 29, 2014


What on earth would I be grateful for?

In 2009 I had to come home from my mission, I was devastated and would of rather lived in a hole for the remainder of my mission then come home and face the world with what I saw as a failure, to me back then it seemed so confusing. It wasn't my choice to come home my mission president just thought it would be "best". There was no "worthiness" issue that led to me coming home either. So I was a 20 year old living in Provo and felt like the world was staring me down with harsh judgement for being home. I couldn't run away from it I had to learn how to face it head on and I learned that If I was just myself anyone who mattered would see past the "home early" label they would know I had a good heart. If you go threw my blog at that time all the posts are from a sad depressed mess, It was an extremely hard thing to learn to deal with. It was not until this time in my life that I have ever felt grateful for it, now I owe all my heart to coming home early. I have a foundation already built in me of how to move forward. I'm again a now 24 year old living in Provo with the "divorced" label but this time I don't have the debilitating feeling of guilt, shame and confusion I had all those years ago. I am grateful to my heavenly father for having me come home and teaching me that lesson, I am grateful that no matter how weird life gets there's always something more important than myself to get me through it. I love the lord, I love others and I love life. 

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Without this bad knee I wouldn't have a good one

"Thinking back on thinking forward,
always thought I'd be further than i ever am. 
Without this bad knee i wouldn't have a good one, 
These vices don't hold me down
They... carry me."

I am not a victim of circumstance, divorce is not how I define a life well lived or well ruined. I have the power to take my vices (insecurity, negative thoughts and actions) and turn them into what will carry the weight of my struggles I am going through. My insecurities are not holding me down anymore they are carrying me through this. I am coming out of it stronger, better and more closer to my savior. I will admit the hardest part of failure is the expectations others had for your life, the easiest part of failure is know there is  unwavering friends and a savior they will continue to help me. I know that there's still a plan for me to make a positive change in my life and the lives around me. I'm not as sad as one would expect because I have a firm belief that you get what you give into things. I gave my all and I came out knowing myself better than I ever have, now I finally like who I've become.