Bye.

Goodbye, Greg is a mess. Its been good. I've wrote a lot since 2006 and I think only one out of ten posts I actually published. I don't know if my thoughts and feelings I've had through life the past six years helps anyone but there's a chance so I'll keep this blog up. These words helped me through a lot of life I never thought I'd have to live. I'm smarter of course but more importantly I care about others a lot more and my drive to be a good father has pushed me to make hard choices, all were worth it. My future is bright my heart is open and if I feel the need to express myself again it will be in a new place. I am no longer a lost mess, in fact I'm alot  less of a mess. This is the end of the quarter life crisis. Cheers!

happy.

Being happy is a state of mind that cannot be achieved by life's accomplishments. It is a state of mind independent of bad and good things in our lives. Everyone says live in the moment, live for now. The problem with that is when we do that we are constantly reacting to life's high and lows. Lets choose to instead to live forever, not just for the moment. Let's view our life in the long run. What do we want to feel like when this earth takes our last breaths away? I want peace in that moment and the only way to achieve that ultimate goal is to banish out reactionary behaviors. Whether its to life's lows or to the highs and not shun missteps of the past but hold them close as something we can learn from.

What kind of leper am I?

               I am taking a institute class this summer on the parables of Jesus Christ, this week we talked all about the wheat and tares parable. My teacher kept phrasing his lecture by asking questions to judge people in our lives like "you know that person on your mission who was like a seed tossed in rocky soil" it didn't sit well with me. I realized the teacher was asking us to judge another's eternal wealth. (The teacher is good I like him besides this post isn't about him) I think I was commanded to not do that type of judging but honestly that's what I've done in the past when I hear parables. Whether its wheat, the ten virgins or the ten lepers. I realized in that class a very important lesson the parables aren't for seeing wicked in others, their for seeing where we are in our own life.

               The next day I was feeling pouty about myself and I said something to myself like "I feel like a leper I don't fit in and I'm just as scared too anyways". Then came along a realization I am a leper and I better remember it! I'm far from perfect and my goal on the earth is to become better. Then the thought came to me how blessed I have been this past year. The savior has lifted me out of situations I needed to get out of and he kept a fire full of hope in the future through all of it. He has healed me from all the scars of the past.

             So how was I showing my gratitude towards him that day? I pouted around that my life isn't going exactly how I imagined!? On that day I was not behaving like the one leper that came back to Christ in praise. I was acting like  the nine who got what they needed from him and moved on. Learning how to properly apply the teachings of parables has given me a great blessing of being able to constantly evaluate if I'm following in the saviors foot steps. In doing so hopefully I do some good in others lives along the way.

VHS.

I treated myself as a VHS tape outdated and disliked but that hasn't stopped me from trying. I've been rewinding for months watching the past four years in reverse. I waited on my knees next to the VCR to get to the start. With a itchy finger waiting to press play and hope it would be better a second time around. When I got to press play I found all I wanted to do was to tape over those years and restart from when I felt my finest. It was a time when I felt like I had limitless possibilities but reality is crueler and more loving than a plastic box. I can't tape over what was done. No one can all our tabs are broken out, and scotch tape just wont cut it. I'm left with only one way to turn this into something amazing I have to just redeem myself in the sequel. It is a rare achievement indeed but I found a secret weapon while I was rewinding. I got a new director this time around hes a great one and I was a fool to not hire him from the beginning.  

Career assessment.

In 10th grade I took a test that was supposed to show what I should be when I grow up, it told me I should be a bike shop owner! The economic outlook was something about 35,000 a year with a small market growth. I thought cool, I guess. I am employed as bike shop worker now but I have no desire to just run a bike shop the rest of my life. My life is up in the air something that's liberating but fills me up with fear at the exact same time. 

The bike shop owner is something I can poke fun of because it was a computer telling me to be someone not  a real human so there wont be any hard feelings. I have realized this type of planning ahead is counter productive to success, not only to worldly success but the success of my soul. When I made hard set plans in the future for all the big things I ended up making these huge decisions and grandiose visions based on the knowledge that I only had in the moment then. When the time really comes and I get to the point of actually having children or any other big life decision my future self will be more experienced. He will be more knowledgeable and hopefully more mature. 

I still believe I should be moving forward becoming prepared for what will enviably be the next step in my life. The best way for me to do this is by firmly fallowing the morals my heart knows to be true and not giving into others perceptions of what I am, or giving to what others believe I am. This is a realization that has helped me understand the mind that is Greg over the past summer. I over-think, over-plan and over-stress about where I am going to go from here, here is now the future is then and if I was to make goals for a future self to live by I would be selling my future self short. How do I know I'll be wiser in the future? Because I've been a whole lot dumber in the past. I'm going to let the wiser man make the choices he needs to at the proper time. 

Father.

I thought i should share this realization i had.

The best way for me to keep the feeling of loneliness at bay is to keep my father in heaven closer and closer. In time the loneliness does subside. The gift of trial is the bond I strengthen and develop with my Heavenly Father. That never leaves my mind and heart. All else could come and go but this will not.

Heres things I been doing.

So I thought I'd switch things up here in Greg.is.a.mess and not just talk about doom and gloom subjects of the past. I'm loving life and this summer semester has been full of learning, growing and fun.

First trip after the school semester I went to Moab to do some techy mountain biking you know it was good when you throw out your back! It was way fun with my bud Andrew but by the second day we worn out and headed home.

I got my wfr for those not in the know that's wilderness first responder its more than first aid but less than a EMT. I learned how to save lives and also save myself from lawsuits! The class was full 10 hour and 14 hour classes for two weeks, so yeah I kinda know my stuff. On our off campus mock rescue I had to play a surprise victim I had to act like I went to pee and poured water to make it looked like I peed my pants the sad thing is my group started laughing at my expense thinking I actually peed my pants, it took awhile for them to realize it wasn't real, am i really that weird? Don't answer that...Anyways Here be a pic of me with a make shift immobilization of the arm sweet huh?

I don't work till about two on the weekdays and have been mountain biking about 20 miles a day all over the Wasatch front, its been pretty legit! Park city is all dry and I'm going up Tuesday I couldn't be more excited about it. Today I went for three hours and ran over a rattle snake came across two coyotes mating and got swarmed by nasty weird cicadas (their basically locus but smaller) I hate, hate them. Hate. Here's a picture of a ride I loved...no cicadas. 

I made a personal goal to getting into river sports and went down the Colorado by Moab with some friends Monday we left at 5 am and came back at 11 pm. Worth the drive! It was by far the funniest thing I've done for years.Milts (the best hamburger place in the world) was closed made me furious but i got over that.  Jimmy is going back tomorrow to do it again but I have to work! Now I'm in love with new sport and gotta save my pennies for my own gear instead of rentals! Here's a pic of that party.

A few weeks ago I drove out to the Manti temple, I've been to Manti before but never did a session there. It is by far the most astonishing building I have ever been to. It outshines the whole valley and I can't imagine what it would be like to build that monument over 100 years ago. The inside is as glorious as the salt lake but it feels like I walked back in time to the time the pioneers built it. It made me question if these farmers and craftsman from Europe could devote themselves to build this am I really doing all I have the potential to do in my life? It was good and I've been going to the temple once a week since. Here's a pic I took of the Manti temple it doesn't do it justice but its the best I could do. (That old couple ahead of me were there for their 60th anniversary of them and their children getting sealed in the temple they were cute)

I've also on top of biking I've hiked y mountain every week, I love the outdoors and getting sun but I think I'm turning into a leather couch, see the resemblance?

At last I'm staying busy working, having fun and worshiping the Lord. I've also lost 15 pounds in the process which is nice but with my leather skin I think I might start getting mistaken for a rat, oh well. That's my life now for the second half of summer, (or the start of the official "season" ) turning 25, finishing math and finding more rivers and bike trails! 

Why.

Why, the question why?

           I think when I come into a huge life change that's all that's on my mind is just a whole lot of whys that I cant ever find answers too. In the process of asking all those unnecessary why's I am able to get in a few good why's in with my Father in heaven and he answers. When he does I find more clarity and focus in what has happened to me in my life. I am learning how I can take the storms that have come my way and use them to build myself and more importantly others up. Instead of just staring at the wreckage of all that was lost in disbelief and pity. We are all Gods wreckage unworthy of his presence. I am learning how to become better so now when I find myself in so much wreckage that I am at a loss of words I think to myself "this storm of mine pales in comparison to others and if I can learn how to clean and rebuild this maybe I will learn something new about myself".

         The most exciting and rewarding parts of rebuilding instead of wallowing is learning those surprising things about yourself. It is very rewarding to discover my real potential! Finding that I can handle much more than I ever thought possible, I know from the hardest times the past few months that through regular prayers, study and temple visits that I might be broken but every week I have had the ability to be healed through the sacrament. That gives me another week where I can open another can of wreckage and come to terms and become healed once again. I never expect a perfect week and my testimony in the sacraments ability to make us as clean as the day we came out of the waters has increased 100 fold. I'm on the tail end of this transition and for family and friends who are worried i'm doing good and am very excited about starting anew. I find joy in finding myself again getting my sense of awkward humor back, becoming  more okay with myself and finding more drive to become the type of man that is worthy of the privilege to bring children up in this world. People close to me say I am doing better than I have been for years which is nice but I would like to just say I am doing better than I have been my whole life. My pride is striped down, my love is raised up, my savior is real and ever growing in my heart and I don't care so much about the "why this happened" because the blessings God has given me have eclipsed that lastly I am grateful.

forgive.

The tan line is gone from my hand. The feelings have at last fallen flat. Alone is a comfort now not a fear. It strangely is the emotion I have come to find strength in.

So where to turn next? I had plans for a future but those blueprints ended up landing at to the bottom of the sea.  What does one build when its all gone, what does one do for help going in a new direction?

Luckily I have a compass beyond explanation. My heart shines brightly toward the direction it shows and the northern stars have always called my name. If I follow the way in the end I won't end up short and my sins will be forgiven. This is what I find peace in.

I once said  "i now see life for what it is a tide of highs and lows and were we end up nobody knows" I now know that is a lie. 

Grateful.

What on earth would I be grateful for?

In 2009 I had to come home from my mission, I was devastated and would of rather lived in a hole for the remainder of my mission then come home and face the world with what I saw as a failure, to me back then it seemed so confusing. It wasn't my choice to come home my mission president just thought it would be "best". There was no "worthiness" issue that led to me coming home either. So I was a 20 year old living in Provo and felt like the world was staring me down with harsh judgement for being home. I couldn't run away from it I had to learn how to face it head on and I learned that If I was just myself anyone who mattered would see past the "home early" label they would know I had a good heart. If you go threw my blog at that time all the posts are from a sad depressed mess, It was an extremely hard thing to learn to deal with. It was not until this time in my life that I have ever felt grateful for it, now I owe all my heart to coming home early. I have a foundation already built in me of how to move forward. I'm again a now 24 year old living in Provo with the "divorced" label but this time I don't have the debilitating feeling of guilt, shame and confusion I had all those years ago. I am grateful to my heavenly father for having me come home and teaching me that lesson, I am grateful that no matter how weird life gets there's always something more important than myself to get me through it. I love the lord, I love others and I love life. 

Without this bad knee I wouldn't have a good one

"Thinking back on thinking forward,
I always thought I'd be further than i ever am. 
Without this bad knee i wouldn't have a good one, 
These vices don't hold me down
They... carry me."
-Fireworks.

I am not a victim of circumstance, divorce is not how I define a life well lived or well ruined. I have the power to take my vices (insecurity, negative thoughts and actions) and turn them into what will carry the weight of my struggles I am going through. My insecurities are not holding me down anymore they are carrying me through this. I am coming out of it stronger, better and more closer to my savior. I will admit the hardest part of failure is the expectations others had for your life, the easiest part of failure is know there is  unwavering friends and a savior they will continue to help me. I know that there's still a plan for me to make a positive change in my life and the lives around me. I'm not as sad as one would expect because I have a firm belief that you get what you give into things. I gave my all and I came out knowing myself better than I ever have, now I finally like who I've become.