Saturday, May 31, 2014


Why, the question why?

           I think when I come into a huge life change that's all that's on my mind is just a whole lot of whys that I cant ever find answers too. In the process of asking all those unnecessary why's I am able to get in a few good why's in with my Father in heaven and he answers. When he does I find more clarity and focus in what has happened to me in my life. I am learning how I can take the storms that have come my way and use them to build myself and more importantly others up. Instead of just staring at the wreckage of all that was lost in disbelief and pity. We are all Gods wreckage unworthy of his presence. I am learning how to become better so now when I find myself in so much wreckage that I am at a loss of words I think to myself "this storm of mine pales in comparison to others and if I can learn how to clean and rebuild this maybe I will learn something new about myself".

         The most exciting and rewarding parts of rebuilding instead of wallowing is learning those surprising things about yourself. It is very rewarding to discover my real potential! Finding that I can handle much more than I ever thought possible, I know from the hardest times the past few months that through regular prayers, study and temple visits that I might be broken but every week I have had the ability to be healed through the sacrament. That gives me another week where I can open another can of wreckage and come to terms and become healed once again. I never expect a perfect week and my testimony in the sacraments ability to make us as clean as the day we came out of the waters has increased 100 fold. I'm on the tail end of this transition and for family and friends who are worried i'm doing good and am very excited about starting anew. I find joy in finding myself again getting my sense of awkward humor back, becoming  more okay with myself and finding more drive to become the type of man that is worthy of the privilege to bring children up in this world. People close to me say I am doing better than I have been for years which is nice but I would like to just say I am doing better than I have been my whole life. My pride is striped down, my love is raised up, my savior is real and ever growing in my heart and I don't care so much about the "why this happened" because the blessings God has given me have eclipsed that lastly I am grateful.

Thursday, May 15, 2014


The tan line is gone from my hand. The feelings have at last fallen flat. Alone is a comfort now not a fear. It strangely is the emotion I have come to find strength in.

So where to turn next? I had plans for a future but those blueprints ended up landing at to the bottom of the sea.  What does one build when its all gone, what does one do for help going in a new direction?

Luckily I have a compass beyond explanation. My heart shines brightly toward the direction it shows and the northern stars have always called my name. If I follow the way in the end I won't end up short and my sins will be forgiven. This is what I find peace in.

I once said  "i now see life for what it is a tide of highs and lows and were we end up nobody knows" I now know that is a lie.